We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Come share oat with me in your robe
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
