the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
