Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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