My first STD was from a foam party
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
