I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
