My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
