I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
