someone get that fucking seahorse.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
