Four minutes until I can fart!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
