I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
