OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Who died my cat blue again?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
