what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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