What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
