i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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