I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
