3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
