the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
