dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
