she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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