I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
