My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
