then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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