you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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