Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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