i already hear my dad disowning me
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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