And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize