im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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