I wish my penis had an off switch
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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