Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
