Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
