"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
