So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
