I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
