i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
