I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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