I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
