He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
