i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize