I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
