The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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