So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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