My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
