Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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