you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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