dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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