I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
