the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
