Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just invented taco cereal.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
