its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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