billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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