I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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