dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
