You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
wakey wakey hands off snakey
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
As shirtless as possible
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
