im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
worst night to have a conscience
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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